my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
