now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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