Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
