My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
