I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
