I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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