that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
