i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
