He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
