I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
