The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
