sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
