I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
