I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
