Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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