Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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