omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
