I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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