i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I think I just sharted jello shots
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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