Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
