i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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