i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Randomize
