I'm lost and stupid without you.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This is my gift to your gina
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
