my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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