why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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