ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
