My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Be still, my beating vagina.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Randomize
