i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
