I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
