i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
