I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
