I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Found your dick twin last night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
