Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
