Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
