yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
