Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
