hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
