Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
