Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
