i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
