My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
