I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
