Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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