On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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