she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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