whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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