I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
