Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You pole danced in your parka.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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