So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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