can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
