happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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