I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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