Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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